Surprise!! im still lurking in the shadows!!

Oh, i didnt see you there... please come closer.... closer...closer... ahh there we go... how have you been? long time no see... Oh where have i been? oh dont you worry pretty ones.. ive been lurking in the shadows, keeping my eyes on You!

 Oh so much to catch up on... lets break these travel blogs and updates from my life to a few new blogs.. where to begin, where to begin..

yep, i live around these type of folks

Well i am back in Ohio, im living just west of dayton in the country. Ive been back since december 10th when i moved here for a pretty stellar job. Im off facebook and twitter and all those fancy smancy networking pages. but im still here. i have been working on a new race car, a Rally car, its a 92 bmw.. slow going but its almost ready...this blog will be short but there will be more. lots more!! this time i wont disappear and leave you all stranded without my craziness...no more sad blogs or any of that other emo stuff.. just fun loving, good story tellin me!! hope your ready for this...

A medless day... Oh no

So today I forgot to take my meds for my depression. I've actually been doing it alot lately on accident. Why? Because I've changed my daily routine and because sometimes I forget.
Today once again I am stuck in my head, left to my own thoughts and so far it's not bad. I'm staying busy at work and making it though the day pretty well.
I havnt been blogging as much as usual lately and I kinda feel outta touch. I've been busy, sorry.
Got the falcon finally back in Louisville, she's running great. Gonna do some body work to her this weekend or I might just take it easy and relax. It's been a long while since I have had the free time to do so. I think I need it!
Maybe I'll catch up on some laundry and cleaning this weekend. Maybe I'll just lay on the couch... But I'm a productive person so I'll most likely end up working on the car!

Opinions, everyone has them... Even me

So this blog may or may not be controversial but I feel as though I have to say it. Since my Facebook is being over run by everyone's view on Gay Marriage, I figured I would share my thoughts on it via blog... So here goes.

WHO CARES!

It's that simple, if people wanna get married, let them. Is it immediately effecting your day to day life in such a way that it's causing you harm? No, it doesn't. So who cares! If anything make the cost for the license more and really I mean REALLY make the price for a divorce 3 times what it is now! I think people need to understand that the sanctity of marriage is between the people and their god. NOT The state!
I have more important things to worry about than If Adam and Steve get married, or Stacy and brittney... I really don't care. I worry about myself and my problems, not yours!
Welcome to the inner workings of my political mind... It's simple... I don't care what everyone else does as long as it doesn't effect me negatively! I don't care if you wanna have an abortion, marry someone who's the same gender, be gay in the military... Honestly I don't give a shit! Let me live my life according to me and my beliefs , earn a good living and the right to defend myself and my family any means necessary, and leave me alone to do my own thing! That's what I wNt the government to do! Just to leave people alone and allow them to pursue happiness. Unless it harms people then there shouldn't be a problem!

Now I'm sure some of you are going to give me backlash but remember:
Everyone has an opinion! Love it or hate it, it's just the way it is!

A week in the rabbit hole

So it's been just over a week since I've been on my medication. Its actually helping and it's helping alot. I don't live in my thoughts or my head as much as I was before. I'm much happier and appreciate more things in my days recently. I have noticed that its making me a little paranoid, or OCD. I found myself going through a certain routine each morning. It's not like if I don't do it the same way I freak out. It's more of a certain way I do things to keep my ADD under control and in a rhythm.
Last week I had two tick bites and which has caused me to clean my house completely with bleach and scrubbed everything and washed all my clothes. But that was just one thing I noticed. Other than that, I've gotten my appetite back and eat more then once a day now.
Over the weekend I didn't get what I wanted to get done. The floors didn't get welded in on the falcon but I did get them cut out and hopefully Easter weekend I'll get it finished.
But after a week of being on my meds I'm feeling pretty good. Still sleepy and it makes me tired around 11 or 12 at night. I wake up a little groggy but I'm sure it'll soon pass and I'll be back to my usual up and go attitude .

Buy the ticket... Uh .. take the ride!

Today is day 4 of starting my medication , Lexapro, for my depression. Today has been kind of weird and I can tell its starting to work. I went through my day as usual, up at 7 at work by 9. Today I was pretty focused at work and worked hard , stated busy! But I kind of felt like a zombie, not much emotion throughout my day and it's a weird feeling. But I can say that I havent had any strange, depressing, or sad thoughts at all. Kind of like a fog over my thoughts and emotions.
Today was actually the first time in a long time that when I got home I was productive. I pulled some beef out of the freezer and defrosted it right away in the microwave, while it was defrosting I took a shower. Got out , dryer off, got dressed and made dinner. All done by 630! For me this isn't normal but I hope for it to continue! I was pretty excited that today has been pretty good. The only downside to today was that my meds make me tired, I slept about 8 hours last night and woke at 7 this morning. I mentally was not awake until roughly 930 or 10. But once I finally wake, I'm focused on work and it's a good thing!! Got alot accomplished today and look forward to more days like today.
So far this week has been good! Aside from being bitten by two ticks which has made me completely paranoid about more of them. I was out in the country Sunday, and must've picked them up. I completely forgot that I wore the same jeans yesterday and they must've been on those. Oh well, I'm going to keep an eye on the bite areas for any sign of them getting worse. But other than that, it's been a good few days and I'm looking forward to the weekend!!! Woo!!!

Into the labyrinth....

So today I went to my dr about both my ADD and my depression. I was a bit nervous and kinda stressed out about talking to her about all this. But that's what drs are for, to make you healthy.
We talked for about a half hour mainly about my depression. Which she decided to treat first before my ADD, and I couldn't agree more. I was right about both making the other worse, so first the most severe of the two has to be addressed.
She is starting me in Lexapro today, for a month. After a month I am to go back for a follow up and then test and treat the ADD. So tonight I'm to take the lexapro, and into the Labyrinth I will go. Will I find Jerrerth? There's no telling, but we will see if it can turn this extrovert back to that extrovert that everyone loves so much.
I'm very hopeful that come this time next week I'll be ready for adventures with some friends, get to see a friend who is back in the states and I'm way more excited to see, work on the Falcon and try to enjoy my happiness... Even if it's a chemically treated happiness.. Thanks for the support and I may just have to blog everyday about the progress and the experience of being 31 and finally getting the help with the depression and ADD after years and years of self treatment via booze!!!

My only and most controversial blog

Before you read this blog please know that in no way, shape or form is this a cry for help. I have already taken the steps to get to my dr and treated for my severe depression and ADD. THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP!!!!

Today I have reached mental collapse! I of all people should've never gotten this far but I have been hiding it well for years and years. My depression has entirely overwhelmed me to the point of a mental breakdown! Combined with my severe ADD, makes my days sometimes too much to handle. I'm stuck in a city with hardly any friends, a ton of broken promises and dreams. I live in my head 90% of my days and nights. My safety net is 100 miles away and here I really question why I'm so far from it. I've been battling depression since I was about 17, I hide it very well, and only since I quit drinking has it really taken its toll on me. Honestly I feel sometimes it's just too much, much too much to deal with in the struggles of everyday life. Have I thought of suicide? Yes lots and lots of times. Will I take the easy way out and do it? No!!! But I do and have thought about it often!
My depression culminates from alot of things: Abandonment issues, poor decisions, incapable of supporting myself due to my ADD and my implosive behavior and lifestyle. I may wear a smile but underneath that handsome devil is a demon all it's own. I will state again, this is not a cry for help since I'm already taking the steps towards bettering myself.
This demon I refer to is my true self, wicked and conniving and laying in wait. A murderous thought pattern at times but deep down I'd wish he'd truelly go away. There is alot of pain, guilt, resentment and anger built up! How to release it is beyond me! My thoughts are so scattered and at times so full of rage and hate that I'd like to set everything ablaze and watch the world burn! My thoughts are mostly, lately of questioning why I even matter to anyone, I'm so fake and even though I try my damnedest to be real and honest, deep down I can't break through the pain that I've been felt over the years. I can conquer all, move mountains, part the fuckin seas if I wanted to! I'm Casey gross for gods sake! I'm a man whose endured more in my life than most of you reading this! Why do I say such things? Because one of my biggest flaws is making myself learn EVERYTHING. The hard way!! So yes my life may seem great and fun and awesome, but truelly it's just a front to keep those out who I choose to keep out! There are very very few who know me, who I am and what I've been through. Rob bloom , my best friend , is one of the very very few who I allow in. Lately I've been trying to keep from burdening him with my problems, my thoughts and my emotional griefs. I feel as though I unleash too much on him.
I can say that I'm glad I'm taking the steps now to actually deal with all of this on a professional level instead of just dealing with it alone. My days may start off great and happy but within an hour or so I'm back at the bottom with my head full of craziness and stuck in my workshop where nobody at work visit. I'm left alone during the day, and coming home is more of the same. I come home everyday to Elvis and the cats! At times I feel as if I'm terrible at taking care of them because I don't spend enough time playing with them. I come home from work utterly exhausted, mentally and physically! To tired to make dinner, but always feed the pets! There have been several times recently when I have not eaten for a couple days, just out of my depression taking over. I sleep when I can but toss and turn and try to meditate. But I cannot clear my mind enough to even get relaxed. I've also noticed I've got a natural body rock or rythem that when I sit still my body actually slightly rocks back and forth. I've had it for years but I slightly only notice it when I'm concentrating on something and not speaking or doinng anything that uses my mind. I feel as if I've lost control of everything at times, my thoughts, my faith and myself...
I have taken the right steps to keep myself afloat and look forward to a better tomorrow... Thanks for listening and soon to be medicated me will be back shortly.. The real me, hopefully, unless the meds make me a zombie :/