Before you read this blog please know that in no way, shape or form is this a cry for help. I have already taken the steps to get to my dr and treated for my severe depression and ADD. THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP!!!!
Today I have reached mental collapse! I of all people should've never gotten this far but I have been hiding it well for years and years. My depression has entirely overwhelmed me to the point of a mental breakdown! Combined with my severe ADD, makes my days sometimes too much to handle. I'm stuck in a city with hardly any friends, a ton of broken promises and dreams. I live in my head 90% of my days and nights. My safety net is 100 miles away and here I really question why I'm so far from it. I've been battling depression since I was about 17, I hide it very well, and only since I quit drinking has it really taken its toll on me. Honestly I feel sometimes it's just too much, much too much to deal with in the struggles of everyday life. Have I thought of suicide? Yes lots and lots of times. Will I take the easy way out and do it? No!!! But I do and have thought about it often!
My depression culminates from alot of things: Abandonment issues, poor decisions, incapable of supporting myself due to my ADD and my implosive behavior and lifestyle. I may wear a smile but underneath that handsome devil is a demon all it's own. I will state again, this is not a cry for help since I'm already taking the steps towards bettering myself.
This demon I refer to is my true self, wicked and conniving and laying in wait. A murderous thought pattern at times but deep down I'd wish he'd truelly go away. There is alot of pain, guilt, resentment and anger built up! How to release it is beyond me! My thoughts are so scattered and at times so full of rage and hate that I'd like to set everything ablaze and watch the world burn! My thoughts are mostly, lately of questioning why I even matter to anyone, I'm so fake and even though I try my damnedest to be real and honest, deep down I can't break through the pain that I've been felt over the years. I can conquer all, move mountains, part the fuckin seas if I wanted to! I'm Casey gross for gods sake! I'm a man whose endured more in my life than most of you reading this! Why do I say such things? Because one of my biggest flaws is making myself learn EVERYTHING. The hard way!! So yes my life may seem great and fun and awesome, but truelly it's just a front to keep those out who I choose to keep out! There are very very few who know me, who I am and what I've been through. Rob bloom , my best friend , is one of the very very few who I allow in. Lately I've been trying to keep from burdening him with my problems, my thoughts and my emotional griefs. I feel as though I unleash too much on him.
I can say that I'm glad I'm taking the steps now to actually deal with all of this on a professional level instead of just dealing with it alone. My days may start off great and happy but within an hour or so I'm back at the bottom with my head full of craziness and stuck in my workshop where nobody at work visit. I'm left alone during the day, and coming home is more of the same. I come home everyday to Elvis and the cats! At times I feel as if I'm terrible at taking care of them because I don't spend enough time playing with them. I come home from work utterly exhausted, mentally and physically! To tired to make dinner, but always feed the pets! There have been several times recently when I have not eaten for a couple days, just out of my depression taking over. I sleep when I can but toss and turn and try to meditate. But I cannot clear my mind enough to even get relaxed. I've also noticed I've got a natural body rock or rythem that when I sit still my body actually slightly rocks back and forth. I've had it for years but I slightly only notice it when I'm concentrating on something and not speaking or doinng anything that uses my mind. I feel as if I've lost control of everything at times, my thoughts, my faith and myself...
I have taken the right steps to keep myself afloat and look forward to a better tomorrow... Thanks for listening and soon to be medicated me will be back shortly.. The real me, hopefully, unless the meds make me a zombie :/
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